11 Step Program

An old, dear friend re-posted this on her facebook page and I truly cannot remember ever laughing so hard that I couldn't pry my eyes open to continue reading. Mr. Price and I had to take breaks from reading for bouts of laughter.

I thought about putting something together like this... but it is too perfect. my favorite parts have to be the "...softly in the dark..." and melon. Mr. Price thinks there needs to be a section on trying to keep the little monkey from eating everything in sight - similar to putting a starving mouse in a box with a bunch of cheese and then attempting to keep it from eating anything. But I'll let you skip ahead to the good stuff. So perfect.

Enjoy!

11 Step Program for those thinking of having kids

Lesson 1

1. Go to the grocery store.
2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home.
4. Pick up the paper.
5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2

Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...
1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild.
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.
Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Lesson 3

A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...
1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)
2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
4. Set the alarm for 3AM.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.
6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)

Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

Lesson 4

Can you stand the mess children make? T o find out...
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Lesson 5

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.
1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

Time allowed for this - all morning.

Lesson 6

Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 7

Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 8

1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.

You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.

Lesson 9

Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking What's 'Noggin'?) Exactly the point.

Lesson 10

Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 11

Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

This is all very tongue in cheek; anyone who is parent will say 'it's all worth it!' Share it with your friends, both those who do and don't have kids. I guarantee they'll get a chuckle out of it. Remember, a sense of humor is one of the most important things you'll need when you become a parent!

Student/Teacher

I have a cousin 8 years younger than me who- I'm proud to say just made the Dean's List at UT- stopped by to visit last night. While he was here, we told stories of when he was Jackson's age and things I remember.

Much to my delight: he had a memory to share from when he was 11. I apparently gave him his first CD. It was The Beastie Boys. I had two copies and gave him one. He remembered it all quite clearly (and fondly). I was quite amused about it after he left and eventually we had this exchange via text:

Me: That's awesome that I introduced you to the b boys... Was it License to Ill?
Graham: Of course, and you told me the whole cd was good except "girls." And I am forever indebted to you for the good taste in music and the appropriate way to treat a woman.

Makes me proud.

Anyway, I was reminded that you never know when someone is really paying attention and what someone is going to remember.

Thin Candy Shell

You know when you receive a 'compliment' that really feels more like two back-handed insults with a smile? No? Let me give you an example, courtesy of my mom:

You know, you really look better now.. i hope you never get back to being as skinny as you used to be

Peel back the shiney veneer and read: "I think (1) you are chubby now (2) you used to look deathly ill." *wink*

comments like this are probably well intended on the surface, are mostly a delivery methond for a point/observation that was clearly long in the making. Well as it turns out, i'm still the same person whom you are bestowing your criticism (is it not gossiping behind someone's back when it is their former self??)... and that same person whom, while content with my current body, still cannot fit into any of her jeans (as much a point of finance as physique) and though not confirmed - work clothes, either. so really, a simple 'well, you look great' -- even if seemingly generic and cliche for what you may tell the mother of an 8-week old-- a much nicer option.

can't win for losing.

Grody

Don't know if I can think of anyhing as Wrong as trailer sushi from a gas station parking lot.

Rhetorical Questions

Just because you know something might happen doesn't mean you loose the option to be disappointed should it end up happening.

For example: it might rain today-or any day-, but you chi'ed you're hair this morning and were looking forward to dinner plans. When it does rain and you get caught in it, your hair gets messed up, you're gonna new sad. If someone flippantly told you, "well, the weatherman said there was a 10% chance of rain this week" make you feel better, or (after you thought about it for a minute) make you want to punch them in the mouth?

Similarly, if your scoop of ice cream fell off your cone and onto the ground. Does a cool, "yeah, it happens" help.

Or if your flight was cancelled, does "hmmm... Maybe if you checked in a little earlier, it wouldn't have happened that way..." make you feel any better, or possibly just enrage you a bit? There is no connection between the two things! It is still upsetting that your flight was cancelled, your plans have now been forced to change, and you are disappointed.

I understand that human nature makes us instinctively want to answer the question "why" when something bad happens. But what makes us lose sight of how to me (even coordially) sympathetic?

I'm typing in this tiny little screen here, and not sure if this post makes my point; so I'll try one last analogy. This one a bit darker...

I believe the saying goes: "only two things in life are certain: death and taxes". So we know it could (will) happen eventually to all of us, surely no one would find it acceptable (let alone appropriate or compassionate) to say to a distraught young widower, "well, it happens sometime. Do you think it was something you did?"

Sun April 4

Freedom

Apathy.
ap·a·thy (noun)
1.lack of enthusiasm or energy
2.emotional emptiness

This is my goal at work. And has been in effect for over a week now and seems to be working out quite nicely, really. And when I start to feel a little guilty for not caring... i quickly remind myself to not care. then Whoosh~ I feel nothing.

And it's nice. Hell, I'd even call it pleasant.

I think of it as "a healthy amount of apathy in all the right places."
So when I say "A 'healthy' amount..." I mean that occasional use of the word that equates to "plentiful." I have a mental image of myself smearing something fun and fluffy --like cool whip or cotton-y padding-- all around me so that the stress and 'chicken little' mentality in the office bounces off without ever getting to me. So 'all the right places' really refers to any space surrounding me while I am at work.

Part of me is concerned because I have always so passionate and diligent when it comes to my work. What if this ruins me? I believe that it won't. Given that I am (and have been) at the end of my rapidly-fraying rope, it comes just in time. Jackie says it's good to have a little apathy and to 'disengage' a bit given my recent burn out. Erin & Jim have applauded the effort. So along with a couple other votes of confidence in my recent 'laissez faire' approach, I continue on through the beat-down that has been work. Apathetic. Like water off a duck's back. Working hard, but not taking it to heart. If I don't get to it, the sky is *not* actually going to fall. Oh, AND: if I have need to leave early from a mind-numbingly long meeting that is barely more than a monument to bureaucracy... so be it. Especially if it is so that I can call and make a massage appointment on the walk out to my car.

Time Machine

Is it possible to start a week actually *further* behind than you were the week before? (I have learned that the answer is yes) Because if I had a time machine, and could go back to last week, I would be ahead of where I am right now... however: IF I had a time machine, there is not a snow ball's chance [in hell] that I would do it. Why?

Last week:

• Dear Mr. Price got what must have been the most vicious case of food poisoning I've ever heard of... let alone witness. Wow. I will spare you the details. Bless his heart. (My mom had it too... I actually had a weather forecast from my Dad of symptoms-- real time.)
  
• After pulling an all-nighter (haven't done that in awhile), I worked from home to take care of the aforementioned - and between conference calls and frantic emails, I made trips to the pharmacy, grocery store, doctors office, back to the grocery store, etc


• Drove to Dallas for a meeting with a partner/client = 7+ hours in the car for a 40 minute meeting, rushed lunch at Mi Cocina (now THAT I'd repeat), all with a co-worker I barely know.


• A few hours before leaving... I learn that my dad, sister, sister-in-law and niece all got sick, too. Hmmm... whhhhoooooo'sss in for a road trip with a stranger and a possible 6 hours of vomiting?? OOhh!! Oohhh!! Me! Me! Please, sign me up! (It turned out just fine)


• Worked past 8pm each night last week, worked on Saturday... then again on Sunday. Booooooo.


• Wrote the check for our property taxes and for our new roof while paying bills - now THAT was fun.
  

Um, so those were the major highlights.

However... there is a silver lining. (**Note: There is ALWAYS a silver lining)

1. Last week is over.
2. I somehow never got sick. My brother ended up getting sick while in Cabo last weekend (that's not the silver lining part, just sayin' I'm glad it wasn't me). That means that the whole fam somehow got this awful bug and I, some how, was spared.


3. At family dinner this week, we learned that Madeleine will spring into action by singing or playing Beyonce songs -- even if she's cranky and about to fall to sleep. This brings a whole new value to my iToy: You Tube videos


4. Thanks to item #2, I learned about the current phenomenon of people dancing to the "Single Ladies/Put a Ring on It" video, taping themselves and uploading it to YouTube. **More on this later!**


5. To help celebrate that it is a new week and that last week is o-v-e-r-- we made ice cream sundaes. WITH Magic Shell!! (iToy pics will have to suffice)

So happy new week! I think my mantra (at least for the next few days) will be: "It could be worse... on top of this, I could have just puked for 6 hours straight..." =)

Office Humor

One of the funnier random things I've seen posted in the office and I finally had to (momentarily, of course) snag it and scan it for your viewing & entertainment, dear blog friends.




Enjoy it's depth, honestly and the truth it reveals...

Scary, huh?

Happy Friday! =)

Friendly Reminder: It is a Small World

...too small for road rage. (This is the "Airport Story" from Thanksgiving)

road rage (noun) uncontrollable aggressive behaviour by the driver of a road vehicle, especially when caused by stress or frustration

Road rage: Babylon English-English n. act of violence committed out of frustration about traffic or driving conditions.

Road rage is the behavior by a driver of an automobile or other motor vehicle, which thus causes collisions or incidents on roadways. It can be thought of as an extreme case of aggressive driving.

So we were heading to the airport and decided to park in long term parking over Thanksgiving. YEA for the holidays starting!! Not being familiar with that lane at ABIA, I got into the far left lane which, as it continued on, turned out to be a shuttle lane. Opps- signaled to the right, started to cross the stripe to get over and ***honk*** WHOA- angry drive to the right. WHOA- he yelled something nasty and flipped us the bird (no, we were not inverted). Unnecessary! Mr. Price and I were shocked, but laughed anyway. Really, dude. So in our shock and hysteria of laughing at... let's call him Mr. Angry, shall we?...Mr. Angry, wouldn't you know- he cut us off! Jumped over into the left lane as he apparently decided to park in long term parking too. HAHA!! Mr. Angry who wasn't okay with a signal and a slow drift into his lane totally cut us off! So we laughed even harder then made faux-angry faces at him a the Quadruple-Flip-Off (which = all 4 hands *briefly* waving at him). Bouncin'' down the road.

Awww... he slowed to get his ticket to go into parking and we wondered if we would get a good look at Mr. Angry. Nope! Though we went into the lane next to him, he hurried on through.

As soon as we get into the parking lot, we notice that not only are many lots already full... there are flaggers every 50 yards or so, waving us on. Uh-oh... we are prolly gonna have to park next to Mr. Angry... as we weaved through the parking lots the flaggers got closer and closer together and sure enough- just like at a concert at The Backyard - we were flagged into a specific parking space **right next to Mr. Angry!!** A little uneasy that he might come out swinging- but we didn't have a whole lot of choice in the matter.

Park. Engine off. Mr. Price hops out of the passenger side and with a big grin says "guess we didn't exactly get off on the right foot, huh?" ---Here is where Mr. Angry starts to realize it is a small world and maybe road rage isn't such a good idea--- "Oh, yeah" he mutters, "guess that wasn't exactly the best reaction."

"No worries!!" I beam, "we flipped you off too, when you cut us off a few moments later" and shrugged my shoulders.

Continuing to get our luggage out of the trunk, he had gathered his and was about to walk off when he stammered, "I guess I should have known you guys were going to get over. That shuttle lane it tricky and I've done the same thing before. " We double-"don't worry/no problem-ed" him and he walked off.

This could have been the end. Oh no, not done yet.

Another shuttle pulled up but one of the flaggers yelled to us "We've got more space on this one! You two can get on here..." Of course. So on the shuttle we go with our new friend, Mr. Angry.

Loaded up and headed to the terminal: still having a grand 'ol time and thrilled for a quick holiday, Mr. Price and I are laughing on the shuttle and have all but forgotten Mr. Angry when half way to the terminal.... Mr. Angry slides over into the seat next to us.

Got to give him full props. Maybe he should be called Mr. Not-So-Angry at this point. We received a heartfelt, tail-between-legs apology and something about how "it's easy to forget that it's real people in the car as you drive down the road." He really shouldn't have behaved that way and was embarrassed, etc, etc. Bless his heart. We accepted his apology, told him it was okay and not to worry about it, then to have a great holiday.

Smooth cruise through the airport and 30 minutes later, we're seated and ready to go. Sure enough... who walks onto the plane but: Mr. Angry! He apparently saw us first because by the time we saw him and smiled, he was already ready with "yes, I figured you would be on my flight. It's a small world..." as he was turning red.

I replied with a quick, "sometimes you can make friends in the most unlikely of fashions!"

Good times.

Lesson learned.

Spinning

Fantastic conversation last night with some 'ol dizelta friends - the ones i credit for pledging me to that fine group of ladies well over a decade ago, in fact. SO happy for another girls' night! (and thanks for not judging when i poured myself a martini...)

A theme of conversation seemed to be 'spinning' and it's many definitions from severe to silly: too much on someone's plate, life changes, the *literal* physical sensation or the hands-down-favorite 'spinning' reference... (thanks, Leigh!)

My spinning continued throughout the day today, but surely things will settle down soon. Holidays around the corner-- that should calm things down, right? Oh, wait...

Any who~ Definitely looking forward to the next get together, team! I can't believe I didn't bust my camera out?? (wow, I am out-of-sorts! ) And sorry I don't have a view of the downtown skyline from my pool. Speaking of - some pics from last summers' Slumber Party Girls' Night (because those don't come around nearly as often as they used to - or should!)

Productivity Propagation

PART 1
I am sure there is a business case or ten on the subject, but I have recently been reminded that inflicting large amounts of stress and insecurity on employees does wonders for productivity.

And when I say "does wonders" I means tanks.

And when I say "large amounts of stress and insecurity" I mean things like offering to large groups parachutes for taking a package and a hike, delivered along with the message that involuntary separation is pending if enough people don't take the parachute.

Fascinating.

That noted, I am otherwise completely occupied working like the proverbial one-legged-man* trying to catch up from 4 days of travel and the days leading up to it, where I was preparing to be out of town for the aforementioned travel. (note the lack of blog posts last week)

Sister is exhausted. As if the 4 draining days weren't enough.... my legs are so redonkulously sore I can't begin to explain. You'd just have to see me walk (or try to walk) and if you did, I assure you, you would giggle. And I wouldn't blame you. I really wouldn't. Anyway, I think I got tricked into working out.

PART 2
The truth is....while photographing a wedding: there are a million things rushing simultaneously through your head. Things like: do I have the right aperture setting/shutter speed/White balance/lens/flash settings? Wide angle or close-up? What about the battery and memory card-- should I change those out or go a little longer? How do I keep things moving along as to not hold up the celebration? How do I ensure that we take enough time to get the right pictures that become the only lasting memory of the day? How the hell to I toe the line of assertiveness and 'nicey'-ness to handle crowd control of tipsy and otherwise occupied wedding-goers (who would MUCH prefer move on to the next cocktail hour than stand around and smile for the camera)? And most notably - unfortunately for my calf muscles, quads, hamstrings and glutes (really - just about any other muscle group between my hips and ankles, it seems): How do I get a shot of the happy couple that doesn't also include the nasty grey storm clouds on the horizon? --AND minimize the shadows and generally unpleasant lighting??

The answer to the last question --in case you were wondering-- was to take many many shots (the kind with the camera, NOT from a bar, unfortunately) at an upward angle which resulted in much time of squatting, lunging and quickly getting up and down from the ground while carrying an extra 10 lbs of camera equipment - just for good measure.

...And I just realized this story would have likely been MUCH more entertaining if the 'shots' I was referring to were from the bar and not the camera...

I think I'm going to bed now.


*you remember: the one in the a$$ kicking contest??

An Interesting Question

So, as I noted last June, Mr. Price has gone back to school. One of the classes at Acton is called appropriately called "Life of Meaning" and to "Live a Life of Meaning" is in the school's mission statement and at the core of everything they do. In fact, it has such a profound impact on students, the school started offering the class to spouses. This year, they actually opened up to a format that allows more than 20-30 people in Austin to participate. It is actually online and with monthly luncheons with a teacher who speaks for awhile. Don't know if it is still open for new students... but in case you are interested, more info here.

Essentially, the course pushes people to really analyze there lives - where they're going, what they're doing.. think about what you would want said of you in your Eulogy... what do you want your legacy to be? What are you doing when you are happy and lose all track of time? What is there a need for in your community and how can you meet that need? Find those critical questions that define who you are, who you want to be and then work to answer those questions. Wow- sounds like a lot of soul searching, huh?

Hmmm. Well...

In sum, the idea is to live purposefully and take the time now to refine your direction so that 10, 20, 40, 60 years from now... you will be exactly where you want to be. Where ever or whatever that may be to you.

So - Yes, I'm taking the class. Fascinating so far... but I digress.

Lots of interesting and insightful little discoveries along the way, but this one floated through my head all day. I asked it of a couple people I work with and think that most people answered honestly. Anyway- i just think it is interesting. So on with the question?

If you had to choose: would you continue working at what you do for -the same pay and half the hours, or -the same hours and twice the pay?

Sorry for all the build-up. Guess it's not THAT interesting, but I guess I felt like I had to frame it a little bit...

I'll post some other 'interesting questions' as I discover them to reduce the amount of PRPQ (post reading per question).

Hoping this Ike doesn't do H-town like the other Ike did Tina...

So with all the crazy "Ike" hype going on, I can't help but think back to the weekend of Sept 24, 2005 when people were saying "they'll be a 30 foot storm surge in Austin!!" and all the panic and mayhem that surrounded Rita.

I then recall quite clearly that although the fan rental place refused to supply fans to Laguna Gloria (because the "high winds would damage their fans if we attempted to run them") there was not a breath of a breeze nor a drop of rain... in fact, there was a helluva lot of humidity... as I stood there (and later danced) at Matt & Kim's wedding.

Back to Ike-

I have to admit, though, the radar and satellite pictures of Ike that almost completely cover the entire Gulf of Mexico do seem a bit ominous. And the path and the wind speeds and such...

We were going to Threadgill's tonight for dinner (Thursday night date night) up on Lamar. While at -actually turning right in the middle- of the intersection of Lamar and 38th, we saw ambulances barrelling down Lamar towards us. Of course we stopped as did everyone else.... But I really can't describe how completely eerie it was to watch what was literally a stream of a dozen ambulances -lights and sirens blaring- wheeling around the corner past us, headed for Seton. In the middle was an emergency mini-ambulance-type-car that said "Organ Transplant" (never seen one of those before!) Of course, at that point, we weren't realizing they were hospital transfers from the Houston area that had been evacuated. Once they finished, our light had already turned red and the other side started going ...nice, people... so we just reversed back so traffic could get through. But to look around the intersection, you could see every one's eyes wide open, mouths gaping open... it was quite a site. Another mile up Lamar and another stream of about 5-6 ambulances passed us.

For all the chatter and warnings and precautions - as much as I might have rolled my eyes as the rediculous reports of people stocking up on water and TP (you know, the basics) If I had to pick... I'm going to side with the let's over-react, even if it is an excercise in futility.

My hope is that in a couple months we can talk about how silly it was that they cancelled the UT/Arkansas game for some silly little storm with the short name that was all bark and no bite. Yep, that would be great.

In sum, I think the brilliant Morgan W Garvey said it best. She just "wants hurricanes to take a chill pill."